How to tell fear from excitement

The past weeks have been tremendously enriching my life. Actually, I feel like that for months already but it seems to get better every single day. And mind you, when I say better I in no way do I mean easier. I feel, therefore I am?? I am, therefore I feel?

Whatever it is, I’m growing in bounds and leaps. I used to not even notice how I’d treat myself to be a bonsai tree. You know, those little trees that have just all the potential to be big trees in their seeds but you cut and trim them in a certain manner so they keep a nice, non-threatening, contained size?? Stuck in a little bucket, with little nutrition??

And suddenly I see something else. Maybe, it’s not an oak. Fine. But how about a willow tree then? I always liked those. When we were children, my (step) sister and I used to get branches from them to ‘tame’ our invisible horses. They nearly bent double but it was pretty much impossible to break them. Willow trees often grow near the water. I like water, I like flowing things… Some people say they look sad. I think they’re romantic. They can hide lovers behind their branches often reaching all the way to the ground. Their lively green leaves are so tiny in comparison with other trees but for me, they convey the fresh, the spring, the new beginnings.

But at the end of the day, for all I know, I know nothing. I could be the willow, I could be the oak, I could even be a bonsai dreaming to be something else. But for now, I see a willow tree. So this bonsai with the seeds of a massive willow tree fell over earlier in the story of my life. The beautiful pot in which it was safely tucked away, broke. The willow bonsai fell on it’s side, helpless and shedding many tears over the pretty pot that was not repairable. It must have been lying there for some time since it lost some most of its leaves. The roots got weak and it didn’t care all that much anymore about the fellow trees whispering, the birds singing, the sun tickling it’s nose and the rain wanting to nurture it with some fresh water straight from the heavens.

Well, you can guess how the story continued… It feels like I always wanted to be an oak when i see an oak (it’s so amazingly strong), a mountain ash when I see a mountain ash (it was my mom’s favorite and its got these beautiful lush red berries) and a willow when I see a willow tree (reasons see above). Sure, it can be of advantage to see the ups in everything but we are what we are and there’s no reason to constantly look left and right in order to compare ourselves with others. Is the grass really greener on the other side?? Probably not and what, if it was?? It’s not your side, not mine. Maybe, I’ll never know if I’m a willow, an oak or a bonsai of some sort after all. Whatever it is, I decided I might as well enjoy all I am, all that I can give and all that is gifted to me and my existence.

Thank you to everyone and everything out there reminding me of the seeds I carry within and that every being on this earth has its place and importance!!

PS: So, what’s the difference between fear and excitement?? Sometimes, I still don’t know. And other times, I think it’s the decision you make about it. Because after all, physically speaking there is not much difference at all. Or none… Check it out for yourself one day!!

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